I really like not drinking.
I enjoy feeling clear-headed.
I enjoy the freedom of not being impaired.
I enjoy the release of future obligations to drink - holidays, parties, weddings.
I enjoy knowing that my body is healthier and happy for not ingesting a poison.
I enjoy the look of my face as it returns from looking old and tired, becoming full of life again.
I have no regrets in this choice to not drink and I have no inclination to start drinking again. It is wonderful.
I am proud of myself. These past few weeks have been a wee bit stressful as my family (husband and cats) prepared and executed our move up to Oregon. It is the first time that I have moved so far away, to a different state, and the unfamiliarity of the region has been a bit daunting (also exciting).
I remember thinking that I wanted a drink, after a long day of packing, or after the long day of driving, or to celebrate our successful move. Each time I questioned exactly why I wanted that drink; to soothe exhaustion? to feel better? I knew that drinking was not going to help in those areas.
Instead, when I was exhausted, I rested.
When I needing some calm, I got some space.
When I wanted to celebrate, I tried to feel all of that happiness and excitement and toasted with apple cider. I didn't want to numb any of that moment. I wanted to remember it all.
I've also been grateful that in the days that night comes quickly but there are still errands that need to be run, I have been clear headed as I navigate the dark and rainy roads of Oregon in my tiny city car.
I am grateful to be sober in our new home.
Well 30 days came and went and I didn't feel much like celebrating. Week 3 and 4 were wrought with waking up feeling tired and achy and were not inspiring.
Now that the phantom hangovers are over, I'm feeling brighter and clearer again. I'm very proud to say that I did not drink during thanksgiving although there was one point that I was tempted to have a glass of wine.
It wasn't the usual temptation of wanting to be drunk, it was the pull of tradition and festivities that made me want a glass. This thanksgiving was different from the ones of the past, for me and for everyone else, and I could imagine that everyone was experiencing a desire of normality, comfort, and safety. I chalked up my desire for a glass of wine to just that.
When I thought it through, I thought about the taste of the wine and how it would make me feel that evening and the next morning. I realized that I didn't like the taste of wine and that any buzz that I would feel that evening could never make up for the way I would feel the next morning.
Instead, I had some tea and it worked just as well as wine for toasting. Today I feel great and healthy and I do not miss alcohol.
Today was just ok. Even though I'm bored and not particularly jazzed about the world, I'm not going to drink. It's not going to make it better and I'll regret it tomorrow.
Last night I felt bubbly, excited, dizzy, and happy. I thought I must have had something to drink without realizing it - but that's silly, right?
There was no alcohol in me, just enjoying the night and talking with friends. Although I felt so light that I was almost concerned about driving home which was an odd feeling. Just high off of having a good time (which I know sounds like lame sober speak, oh well).
3 weeks! I've noticed that my heart feels lighter and more open. Today is an amazing day for many reasons and I feel really good. I'm so grateful to be sober for this historic day and my happiness feels more accessible than it did before. It could be because I've been walking everyday for the past week but I genuinely think that not ingesting alcohol is definitely a factor. I haven't felt such joy since my wedding day.
Anyway, I'm not feeling the desire to drink, now or ever. The thought of never drinking again doesn't scare me. Now that I know what it feels like without it, I don't want to go back.
Alcohol changes how you feel and think even when you are not drinking. Only when you let it leave your system for a while do you notice it had a presence.
I've also noticed that the days are longer. At first I was frustrated that they were going by so slowly, because I felt like I needed to have more sober days behind me. But I think they have gone by more slowly because I'm more present in them. When I drink, I think it's a way for me to check out and fast forward and so the days would slip past, the evenings would blend away.
