holiday temptation

 Well 30 days came and went and I didn't feel much like celebrating. Week 3 and 4 were wrought with waking up feeling tired and achy and were not inspiring. 

Now that the phantom hangovers are over, I'm feeling brighter and clearer again. I'm very proud to say that I did not drink during thanksgiving although there was one point that I was tempted to have a glass of wine.

It wasn't the usual temptation of wanting to be drunk, it was the pull of tradition and festivities that made me want a glass. This thanksgiving was different from the ones of the past, for me and for everyone else, and I could imagine that everyone was experiencing a desire of normality, comfort, and safety. I chalked up my desire for a glass of wine to just that.

When I thought it through, I thought about the taste of the wine and how it would make me feel that evening and the next morning. I realized that I didn't like the taste of wine and that any buzz that I would feel that evening could never make up for the way I would feel the next morning.

Instead, I had some tea and it worked just as well as wine for toasting. Today I feel great and healthy and I do not miss alcohol. 

not always sparkly

 Today was just ok. Even though I'm bored and not particularly jazzed about the world, I'm not going to drink. It's not going to make it better and I'll regret it tomorrow.

something odd

 Last night I felt bubbly, excited, dizzy, and happy. I thought I must have had something to drink without realizing it - but that's silly, right?

There was no alcohol in me, just enjoying the night and talking with friends. Although I felt so light that I was almost concerned about driving home which was an odd feeling. Just high off of having a good time (which I know sounds like lame sober speak, oh well).

21 days

 3 weeks! I've noticed that my heart feels lighter and more open. Today is an amazing day for many reasons and I feel really good. I'm so grateful to be sober for this historic day and my happiness feels more accessible than it did before. It could be because I've been walking everyday for the past week but I genuinely think that not ingesting alcohol is definitely a factor. I haven't felt such joy since my wedding day.

Anyway, I'm not feeling the desire to drink, now or ever. The thought of never drinking again doesn't scare me. Now that I know what it feels like without it, I don't want to go back.

musings...

Alcohol changes how you feel and think even when you are not drinking. Only when you let it leave your system for a while do you notice it had a presence.

I've also noticed that the days are longer. At first I was frustrated that they were going by so slowly, because I felt like I needed to have more sober days behind me. But I think they have gone by more slowly because I'm more present in them. When I drink, I think it's a way for me to check out and fast forward and so the days would slip past, the evenings would blend away. 

a little late

 I'm a little late setting up this thing, I thought it should probably start on my first day being sober but things rarely go according to plan.

Or rather, there was no plan for this blog until yesterday and it still took me some time to talk myself into writing it. 

After reading about other people's sober journeys being buoyed by writing their thoughts down, I figured it couldn't hurt to try my hand at this as well.

So this is day 19 of my sober journey and so far it has not been terrible. It's actually been pretty great! Not drinking has not been as hard as I thought it would, despite my previous internal vows to "not drink again today".

I suppose that's what started this whole thing - I tried (very gently and quietly) to not drink and when the afternoon came along and I found myself thinking, "well, why not, I don't have a problem, my husband is having one, I'm not working, I have no place to be, I'm bored, it would be nice not to feel empty and useless". So I'd pour myself a drink, eyeing the clock to see if it was actually an "appropriate" time to drink (well it's 2:45 so that's basically 3 which is close to 4 which means that 5 is pretty soon after that).

So after months of drinking daily between the hours of 3ish to 8ish and thinking that maybe I shouldn't drink so much but then not doing anything about it, I tried to go for one month without. I texted my friends July 1st and asked if they would participate in a "Dry July" with me. I managed to get through most of the month, but towards the end I gave in thinking "well it's pretty much August already" (see a pattern here?)

The break in my drinking habit did not dissuade my desire to drink and soon after I was back to having a whiskey in the early evening every day. 

There were signs that I was having a bit too much. I've had trouble remembering what movies or shows that we would watch the night before, some mornings I would wake feeling foggy and my head would ache, I would very casually check to see how much I was drinking compared to my husband (but I was pretty much always the one finishing the bottle). 

I knew that I drank to feel drunk. Sure, a glass of red wine was delicious with some garlic bread and pasta but it also fueled my desire to eat far more than I needed to and left me feeling both drunk and stuffed. Consumption was a burden that I thought was a comfort. I wanted to have another glass until I was too tired and need to sleep or until I thought I was drunk enough.

So here I am, 19 days into my journey of sobriety. I initially thought this would just be another dry month to give me perspective and then I could go back to drinking. However, in the last few weeks I've been reading more about sobriety and alcohol abuse, paying attention to how I feel, and I'm coming around to the idea of just not drinking anymore. I've always been more of a "all or nothing" type of person anyway.